8 Ways to Drive a Graphic Designer MaD!
Posted at 8:39 π.μ.
To παρακάτω κείμενο δεν είναι δικό μου αλλά το βρήκα εδώ.
Είναι πραγματικά ό,τι χειρότερο μπορεί να κάνει κάποιος σε κάποιον γραφίστα που μισεί θανάσιμα... Εκπληκτικό...
As everyone knows, graphic designers are the reason
there are so many wars in this world. They get inside
our heads with their subliminal advertising, force us
against our will to spend money on the worst pieces of
shit, and eventually, drive us to depression and
random acts of violence. And of course, most of them
are communists.
So to do my part to save the world from them, i made a
list of things you can do when working with a graphic
designer, to assure that they have a burn-out and
leave this business FOREVER.
1. Microsoft Office
When you have to send a graphic designer a document,
make sure it's made with a program from Microsoft
Office. PC version if possible. If you have to send
pictures, you'll have more success in driving them mad
if, instead of just sending a jpeg or a raw camera
file, you embed the pictures inside a Microsoft Office
document like Word or Powerpoint.
Don't forget to lower the resolution to 72 dpi so that
they'll have to contact you again for a higher quality
version. When you send them the "higher" version, make
sure the size is at least 50% smaller. And if you're
using email to send the pictures, forget the
attatchment once in a while.
2. Fonts
If the graphic designer chooses Helvetica for a font,
ask for Arial. If he chooses Arial, ask for Comic
Sans. If he chooses Comic Sans, he's already
half-insane, so your job's half done.
3. More is Better
Let's say you want a newsletter designed. Graphic
designers will always try to leave white space
everywhere. Large margins, the leading and kerning of
text, etc. They will tell you that they do this
because it's easier to read, and leads to a more
clean, professional look. But do not believe those
lies. The reason they do this is to make the document
bigger, with more pages, so that it costs you more at
the print shop. Why do they do it? Because graphic
designers hate you. They also eat babies. Uncooked,
raw baby meat.
So make sure you ask them to put smaller margins and
really, really small text. Many different fonts are
also suggested (bonus if you ask for Comic Sans, Arial
or Sand). Ask for clipart. Ask for many pictures (if
you don't know how to send them, refer to #1). They
will try to argument, and defend their choices but
don't worry, in the end the client is always right and
they will bow to your many requests.
4. Logos
If you have to send a graphic designer a logo for a
particular project, let's say of a sponsor or partner,
be sure to have it really really small and in a
low-res gif or jpeg format. Again, bonus points if you
insert it in a Word document before sending it. Now
you might think that would be enough but if you really
want to be successful in lowering the mental stability
of a graphic designer, do your best to send a version
of the logo over a hard to cut-out background. Black
or white backgrounds should be avoided, as they are
easy to cut-out with the darken or lighten layer style
in photoshop.
Once the graphic designer is done
working on that bitmap logo, tell him you need it to
be bigger.
If you need a custom made logo, make your own sketches
on a napkin. Or better yet, make your 9 year old kid
draw it. Your sketch shouldn't take more than 5
minutes to make. You don't want to make something
that's detailed and easy to understand, because the
less the designer understands what you want, the more
you can make him change things
afterwards. Never accept the first logo. Never accept
the 9th, make him do many changes, colors, fonts &
clip art. Ask him to add a picture in the logo.
Bevels. Gradients. Comic Sans. And when he's at his
10th attempt, tell him that you like the 2nd one the
most. I know, it's mean but remember: graphic
designers are the cause of breast cancer among
middle aged women.
5. Choosing your words
When describing what you want in a design, make sure
to use terms that don't really mean anything. Terms
like "jazz it up a bit" or "can you make it more
webbish?". "I would like the design to be beautiful"
or "I prefer nice graphics, graphics that, you know,
when you look at them you go: Those are nice
graphics." are other options. Don't feel bad about it,
you've got the right. In fact, it's your duty because
we all know that on fullmoons, graphic designers
shapeshift into werewolves.
6. Colours
The best way for you to pick colors (because you don't
want to let the graphic designer choose) is to write
random colors on pieces of paper, put them in a hat
and choose. The graphic designer will suggest to stay
with 2-3 main colors at the most, but no. Choose as
many as you like, and make sure to do the hat thing in
front of him. While doing it, sing a very annoying
song.
7. Deadlines
When it's your turn to approve the design, take your
time. There is no rush. Take two days. Take six. Just
as long as when the deadline of the project
approaches, you get back to the designer with more
corrections and changes that he has time to make.
After all, graphic designers are responsible for the
911 attacks.
8. Finish Him
After you've applied this list on your victim, it is
part of human nature (although some would argue
weather they're human or not) to get a bit insecure.
As he realises that he just can't satisfy your needs,
the graphic designer will most likely abandon all
hopes of winning an argument and will just do whatever
you tell him to do, without question.
You want that in purple? Purple it is. Six different
fonts? Sure!
You would think that at this point you have won, but
don't forget the goal of this: he has to quit this
business. So be ready for the final blow: When making
final decisions on colors, shapes, fonts, etc, tell
him that you are disappointed by his lack of
initiative. Tell him that after all, he is the
designer and that he should be the one to put his
expertise and talent at work, not you. That you were
expecting more output and advices about design from
him.
Tell him you've had enough with his lack of creativity
and that you would rather do your own layouts on
Publisher instead of paying for his services. And
there you go. You should have graphic designer all
tucked into a straight jacket in no time!
Είναι πραγματικά ό,τι χειρότερο μπορεί να κάνει κάποιος σε κάποιον γραφίστα που μισεί θανάσιμα... Εκπληκτικό...
As everyone knows, graphic designers are the reason
there are so many wars in this world. They get inside
our heads with their subliminal advertising, force us
against our will to spend money on the worst pieces of
shit, and eventually, drive us to depression and
random acts of violence. And of course, most of them
are communists.
So to do my part to save the world from them, i made a
list of things you can do when working with a graphic
designer, to assure that they have a burn-out and
leave this business FOREVER.
1. Microsoft Office
When you have to send a graphic designer a document,
make sure it's made with a program from Microsoft
Office. PC version if possible. If you have to send
pictures, you'll have more success in driving them mad
if, instead of just sending a jpeg or a raw camera
file, you embed the pictures inside a Microsoft Office
document like Word or Powerpoint.
Don't forget to lower the resolution to 72 dpi so that
they'll have to contact you again for a higher quality
version. When you send them the "higher" version, make
sure the size is at least 50% smaller. And if you're
using email to send the pictures, forget the
attatchment once in a while.
2. Fonts
If the graphic designer chooses Helvetica for a font,
ask for Arial. If he chooses Arial, ask for Comic
Sans. If he chooses Comic Sans, he's already
half-insane, so your job's half done.
3. More is Better
Let's say you want a newsletter designed. Graphic
designers will always try to leave white space
everywhere. Large margins, the leading and kerning of
text, etc. They will tell you that they do this
because it's easier to read, and leads to a more
clean, professional look. But do not believe those
lies. The reason they do this is to make the document
bigger, with more pages, so that it costs you more at
the print shop. Why do they do it? Because graphic
designers hate you. They also eat babies. Uncooked,
raw baby meat.
So make sure you ask them to put smaller margins and
really, really small text. Many different fonts are
also suggested (bonus if you ask for Comic Sans, Arial
or Sand). Ask for clipart. Ask for many pictures (if
you don't know how to send them, refer to #1). They
will try to argument, and defend their choices but
don't worry, in the end the client is always right and
they will bow to your many requests.
4. Logos
If you have to send a graphic designer a logo for a
particular project, let's say of a sponsor or partner,
be sure to have it really really small and in a
low-res gif or jpeg format. Again, bonus points if you
insert it in a Word document before sending it. Now
you might think that would be enough but if you really
want to be successful in lowering the mental stability
of a graphic designer, do your best to send a version
of the logo over a hard to cut-out background. Black
or white backgrounds should be avoided, as they are
easy to cut-out with the darken or lighten layer style
in photoshop.
Once the graphic designer is done
working on that bitmap logo, tell him you need it to
be bigger.
If you need a custom made logo, make your own sketches
on a napkin. Or better yet, make your 9 year old kid
draw it. Your sketch shouldn't take more than 5
minutes to make. You don't want to make something
that's detailed and easy to understand, because the
less the designer understands what you want, the more
you can make him change things
afterwards. Never accept the first logo. Never accept
the 9th, make him do many changes, colors, fonts &
clip art. Ask him to add a picture in the logo.
Bevels. Gradients. Comic Sans. And when he's at his
10th attempt, tell him that you like the 2nd one the
most. I know, it's mean but remember: graphic
designers are the cause of breast cancer among
middle aged women.
5. Choosing your words
When describing what you want in a design, make sure
to use terms that don't really mean anything. Terms
like "jazz it up a bit" or "can you make it more
webbish?". "I would like the design to be beautiful"
or "I prefer nice graphics, graphics that, you know,
when you look at them you go: Those are nice
graphics." are other options. Don't feel bad about it,
you've got the right. In fact, it's your duty because
we all know that on fullmoons, graphic designers
shapeshift into werewolves.
6. Colours
The best way for you to pick colors (because you don't
want to let the graphic designer choose) is to write
random colors on pieces of paper, put them in a hat
and choose. The graphic designer will suggest to stay
with 2-3 main colors at the most, but no. Choose as
many as you like, and make sure to do the hat thing in
front of him. While doing it, sing a very annoying
song.
7. Deadlines
When it's your turn to approve the design, take your
time. There is no rush. Take two days. Take six. Just
as long as when the deadline of the project
approaches, you get back to the designer with more
corrections and changes that he has time to make.
After all, graphic designers are responsible for the
911 attacks.
8. Finish Him
After you've applied this list on your victim, it is
part of human nature (although some would argue
weather they're human or not) to get a bit insecure.
As he realises that he just can't satisfy your needs,
the graphic designer will most likely abandon all
hopes of winning an argument and will just do whatever
you tell him to do, without question.
You want that in purple? Purple it is. Six different
fonts? Sure!
You would think that at this point you have won, but
don't forget the goal of this: he has to quit this
business. So be ready for the final blow: When making
final decisions on colors, shapes, fonts, etc, tell
him that you are disappointed by his lack of
initiative. Tell him that after all, he is the
designer and that he should be the one to put his
expertise and talent at work, not you. That you were
expecting more output and advices about design from
him.
Tell him you've had enough with his lack of creativity
and that you would rather do your own layouts on
Publisher instead of paying for his services. And
there you go. You should have graphic designer all
tucked into a straight jacket in no time!